My parents and 3 siblings all live within 3 hours’ drive. I have 2 cats. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with weekly and others that I phone a few times a year. I run an Airbnb in my home occasionally. I live in a nice neighbourhood with people to wave at or say “hello” to when I’m in the yard. I work with a small team that I communicate and collaborate with daily, either online or in-person. My work also involves talking to different stakeholders on a regular basis. I’m not alone. But I am lonely.

On a scale of 1-5, the level of emotional intimacy that I feel within these relationships is: Family: 2.5 to 3.5, Work and Neighbours: 1 to 2, Friends: 3 to 5. I am deeply grateful for my friend, Thyra, with whom I have the most emotionally intimate relationship. Unfortunately, I left her behind in Alberta when I returned to my home province of Nova Scotia in 2019. Thankfully, we’re able to keep in touch by phone or video-chat on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.

I have hobbies and I get out of the house. I recently returned home from a 10-day trip to visit my parents and brothers. We were out at events every second day, surrounded by people and music. I go sailing every Wednesday evening, spending time on the boat with three fairly new acquaintances and a an hour in the clubhouse afterwards surrounded by other sailors and club members. In the Fall, I’ll return to playing badminton twice a week with a great group of (intimacy level 1-2) friends.

Being single and owning a home, I do spend a fair amount of time alone or with my two cats. Physically, I don’t mind being alone.

I want a family. I want that family to include a loving and devoted, best-friend husband, two or three children and a small pet. But I’m single.

I think I mind that there’s not somebody in my life that is devoted to me, that cares on a day-to-day basis that I exist, that’s wondering how I am, what I’m doing. I guess that person would be my life partner, the person that I could make plans with and move towards that family with children.

I feel empty. I feel like I’m biding my time, waiting for another part of life to start. I continue to purposely put myself out there (badminton, sailing, events, travel, keeping in touch with family and friends), but it all feels like I’m just filling time.

It wouldn’t fix things to find just any man to be in my life. The relationship has to come with a deep connection. I’m not sure that the connection that I seek is even realistic.

So, what is loneliness? It’s not a result of physically being alone.

Would another friendship at a Level 5 in emotional intimacy allow me to feel less lonely? That seems doubtful…

I think it’s inside me.

I’m not sure how to feel less lonely but it makes the most sense to me that it would be something inside me. Though, I don’t think I’m quite ready to let go of my feeling of loneliness. There is a certain comfort right now in feeling down.

Maybe I can write down my wants, needs, goals, aspirations, continue to work towards them and still welcome and allow this feeling of loneliness. It seems like what I’ve been doing for at least the past year anyways.

An unhelpful side-thought that always creeps in, “You’re so fortunate in your life. There are people out there that don’t have what you have so how can you be feeling bad for yourself because you feel lonely? Other people have it worse. So suck it up and be grateful and thankful for all you have. There’s no need to feel sad or lonely.”

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly lonely. I packed my (wildlife) camera gear into my truck and headed for a nearby provincial park that I hadn’t been to yet. I walked around to check things out, scoping it out for signs of wildlife and for ideas for Thyra’s visit later in August. It was a warm and sunny summer day and the park was filled with families and young kids. But I felt so alone.

Does it have to do with the level of emotional intimacy we have with others? How many relationships do you have to have with a high level of emotional intimacy? Is it more based on the percentage of your life’s time that you’re spending with those people?

Or is it not having that person in your life that cares about what you’re doing daily? That person that you come home to or can call to tell about your day, or about that interesting thing you saw or that terrible experience you had.

What if I could be that person that cared about what I was doing daily? Then what would be the point to life? Let’s try this thought exercise another day..

P.S. I wrote this first blog post back in August and didn’t publish it until today, November 7th. I’m the type of person that thinks I can’t make anything official until it’s perfect! But here we go anyways… PUBLISH!