The following is not meant to be discriminatory in any way (sexual orientation, family type, family arrangement, etc.). It is a thought exercise as it relates to my life experience.

I feel more authentic and “like myself” when I’m single. Codependence has been my natural response to relationships. I learned it from my parents and other couples that I knew. It seems very rare to me to come across relationships that aren’t overly codependent. When I was in my last relationship I felt highly stressed and anxious, so I sought out a therapist. I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything I could to support my relationship. I opened myself up to my therapist so I could be told where I’m going wrong. What I ended up learning was not how to change myself so I could make the relationship work, but to find my sense of self so I could stand up for my needs and wants. This is all getting off-topic and I’ll save this story for another day…

So now I’m single since over a year. I signed up for online dating and felt like I was in a rush to find another partner. I want to have children and the clock is ticking! It took a lot of thinking, debating, throwing the ideas at family, friends and strangers, that maybe I can have a child or two or three on my own! It’s not the standard, typical, North-American, white picket fence, way. But it seemed more responsible than rushing into and forcing a relationship with a man with the main goal of having children. I want a partner that fits into my life without a clock ticking over his shoulder.

Now my thoughts have come to: Do I need a man (life partner) in my life? Do I want a man in my life?

As a woman, I feel compelled to have children. I can’t imagine what I would do with my life if I didn’t have children. Do I feel compelled to be in a relationship with a man? Or is it the want for children that necessitates the man?

Why do I want to be in a relationship with a man? Is it because society has trained me to follow that path? So I’ll fit in with my family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances? I contemplate remaining single and some things that concern me are:

• I’ll need help with things that require more physical strength than I can handle.
• Sometimes it takes 2 people to do things such as mounting a TV, moving large furniture, etc.
• There are so many chores and things to do to maintain a house and life, it’s more manageable with two.
• I miss cuddling with a trusted, romantic partner. That intimacy and feeling safe and cared for in their arms.
• Money. Without a partner, me and my children are dependent on me alone. That’s a lot of pressure and I feel intimidated and exhausted just thinking about it. However, I’m a determined person and I’ll dig in my heels. It would feel a little less overwhelming to share that responsibility and anxiety with someone.
• I’m going to have to learn to ask for and accept the help of others regularly and try not to feel bad about it.
• How do I work and raise a child (or 3)? These are both full-time jobs.
• Do I have to sell my house and move into something more affordable?
• Do I hire a live-in nanny? Can I deal with having a roommate? How can I afford this?

Does a man feel compelled to be in a relationship with a woman? Does a man feel compelled to have children? Or does he feel compelled to have a wife and children with the woman’s role being the caretaker of the children and his role is to provide security and support for the family?

A man that I know parted ways with his ~3-year girlfriend in the spring. He then moved back to his home province and quickly got immersed in the local culture. After a few months, he found himself in another “unofficial” relationship. As the bustle of summer events settled down, with time to recognize what was happening, he formally ended the unofficial relationship.

How did this happen and why did he get into this relationship so soon after the end of his previous relationship? He said he was going to take some time to himself, figure out who he is and what he wants. Take things slow. But he didn’t. Why?