I feel great today. No sense of not being worthwhile, no wondering why anyone would ever want to accept me or put up with me. However, 6 days ago, I was giving up on myself.

My dear friend, Myra, lives almost 5,000 kilometres away from me. Much farther than our 1 kilometre separation before I returned to my home province. It’s what I wanted for myself but it was hard on the relationships that I built living away. I’m still figuring out how much that move impacted some of those relationships. I didn’t know I meant that much to them, in particular to Myra. We’ve done a great job at maintaining our friendship but we’re only now realizing that it’s not the same and we’re understanding more deeply what exactly isn’t the same.

I phoned Myra last week to chat, as I often do when she comes to mind and the timing seems ok. Being 3 time zones away, our schedules, her family, and all the other life things can make it tricky to find time to talk. During our chat, I shared concerns that I have with my brother in hopes of getting some understanding, acknowledgement, and sympathy. As I shared my concerns, Myra thought they were a subject for debate and input. This didn’t go over well as I felt unheard, rejected, and misunderstood. She felt helpless, confused and overwhelmed. As she gave me her perspective on the story and alternatives of viewing the situation, I became frustrated and said “I’m just sharing a story with you about how I feel. I’m just looking for understanding, not for advice or for you to solve a problem.” Myra proceeded to tell me that all I ever want is for her to agree with me. She continued to rant, pointing the finger with “You you you, it’s all you”.

This is where I learned about some core beliefs entrenched within my being. I’m wrong, it’s my fault, I’m not worthwhile. Myra wanted me to answer her rant but I didn’t want to. I listened to it all, took it in, felt a lot of shame, hurt, self-blame, and like my world was getting small. I told her, “I’m sorry but I have to go. She became sad, knowing that she had hurt me and we promised to talk again.

This feeling surprised me but at the same time it was very familiar. I thought I was getting over “not being worthwhile”. In that instant though, the feeling came rushing back as strong as ever. It felt so true.

This experience opened my eyes in several ways:

1. It’s important to be careful with what you communicate and how when you’re upset with someone, especially someone close to you. Your view or opinion of them probably matters more than that of an acquaintance or stranger. You likely don’t know their negative core beliefs about themselves and whether you’ll say something that reinforces that belief. Most people would want to help those close to them work through these negative core beliefs. Unfortunately, misplaced negative emotions could do the opposite.
2. Being present and self-aware had some advantages. I was able to respond in a controlled manner, without lashing back based on my emotions. This ensured I didn’t hurt Myra with an emotional response. I’m happy about this as it aligns with my values and the person I want to be. We were able to step away from the conversation until we both had time to think. In the past, I would become defensive, retaliated and tried to hurt them back.
3. Even though this negative core belief was triggered, I was able to see it for what it is, reminding myself logically that it isn’t true. This is due to a lot of self-work and is a great reminder that my hard work is paying off, even if it’s painfully slow.

While I still hold this belief (for now), this negative experience is a positive impact on my journey. I’m closer to believing that “I’m not worthwhile” is not true.

And P.S., Myra and I worked it out.